I have been asked over and over again these past few months about the change in me..asking why there may be something different..and I just giggle and say how I am just making myself happy again..which is true..but there has been an event that was a very great life lesson..Up to now I only shared with 3 people..and that is just because I needed support when there was an uncertainty..and could not tell my kids..what I have been through was so terrifying and amazing..and it is a gift..and I am now at the point where I do not think I can keep this gift to myself anymore.Some people have asked "Have you had a near death experience or something" Well..now to be honest..yes. A few months ago I woke up with one side of my body completely numb. The worst headache ever..and some very strange vision problems. Well being in the medical field..that first thing I think is stroke. So I went off to the hospital.Just sitting there waiting was thinking somebody would come in and say there was nothing..After waiting forever..someone came in..and the news that gave was not nothing. He sat down next to me and explained that there was something abnormal with test they just took..an it looked as if it may be a brain tumor..a very large one. They said I was stable..and set me up with more tests during the week. And if it were a tumor..in that spot..that size...my prognosis was very grim. So I went back home. I really cannot explain the feeling I had. It was a scary..dreamlike emotion with a very spiritual side. That night I seriously stayed up and watched my kids sleep. My babies..the most beautiful thing in the world is being their mom. I just kept thinking how all I wanted to do was raise them.And then I thought about life in general. I really love being alive..it gets forgotten about sometimes with the stress of the world..but I was gonna fight for it..Now 3 of the most precious people were taken from this world too early..My mom and my dad were taken by very quick freak things..and my brother too. So..thinking of them..and how we all fared once they were gone. My thoughts would go in and out constantly.I thought mostly about the people in my life..the ones who made it what it is. About some that I loved with all my heart and never told them..never shared what they really meant to me.The ones who I have told..but have not showed them lately how much they were appreciated..The thought of them never knowing was just so heavy. I loved my life..and what did I do with it? It was a very long week..I had several more tests..and finally they had all the information they needed and I was there to here it. I did not have a tumor..but they were not understanding..because I should have already died. I should not have been sitting there..the morning I had my headache should have been the day I passed from this earth. I had a blood vessel in my brain burst..and it was a pretty bad one. They were not sure if it had completely stopped bleeding..so they had to take a scope up through my leg to see..and if it had not there was a procedure they would do...if it had stopped..I had to do IV therapy to thin out my blood.to make sure it would not reoccur. So they looked..and once again to their surprise.. it was perfectly fine. So..3 times a week after school I went in and had an IV placed. Now..they knew the what..now they needed to know the why..it mostly came down to a use of "Norplant" (type of birth control that is placed under your skin and it effective for 5 years..there has been many problems like this and now has been banned in the US) that gave me the initial problem and my continuing to take oral BC.
Well..I am ok now..it should not be happening again because I have stopped what was agitating it. But..I gotta say..that was one lesson I only need once. Many people may say that they will never take things for granted..and being human nature..they do...But...I WILL NOT..because I will always remember how it felt to not have a chance again..to be with the people I love..do the things I love..and what a gift...The gift to live when I was not supposed to..I have been given the chance my beautiful loved ones who passed from my life did not have.I can be alive...I can breath, see the stars..I can be with people I care about..I can say what I never could say before..do what I was scared to do before. I can have my little girl give me kisses on my nose..Hang with my teens...Yeah..trials will come up..but at least I will have trials.I LOVE LIVING..and I will get things right this time.I can be happy with the life I have even if it not how I want it.I had a major issue with the fact that I have been married and divorced..that was not my dream..that was not who I was supposed to be ..and it really made me feel bad about myself..but now I know that I was to be this way to make me who I am and I am fulled prepared to go and be happy with just my family and friends...and if that does happen..it will be the crowning glory on this amazing life I have.So..if I seem different..that is why...Please learn from me... your life is priceless...
