A Story that must be told

I have been asked over and over again these past few months about the change in me..asking why there may be something different..and I just giggle and say how I am just making myself happy again..which is true..but there has been an event that was a very great life lesson..Up to now I only shared with 3 people..and  that is just because I needed support when there was an uncertainty..and could not tell my kids..what I have been through was so terrifying and amazing..and it is a gift..and I am now at the point where I do not think I can keep this gift to myself anymore.Some people have asked "Have you had a near death experience or something" Well..now to be honest..yes. A few months ago I woke up with one side of my body completely numb. The worst headache ever..and some very strange vision problems. Well being in the medical field..that first thing I think is stroke. So I went off to the hospital.Just sitting there waiting was thinking somebody would come in and say there was nothing..After waiting forever..someone came in..and the news that gave was not nothing. He sat down next to me and explained that there was something abnormal with test they just took..an it looked as if it may be a brain tumor..a very large one. They said I was stable..and set me up with more tests during the week. And if it were a tumor..in that spot..that size...my prognosis was very grim. So I went back home. I really cannot explain the feeling I had. It was a scary..dreamlike emotion with a very spiritual side. That night I seriously stayed up and watched my kids sleep. My babies..the most beautiful thing in the world is being their mom. I just kept thinking how all I wanted to do was raise them.And then I thought about life in general. I really love being alive..it gets forgotten about sometimes with the stress of the world..but I was gonna fight for it..Now 3 of the most precious people were taken from this world too early..My mom and my dad were taken by very quick freak things..and my brother too. So..thinking of them..and how we all fared once they were gone. My thoughts would go in and out constantly.I thought mostly about the people in my life..the ones who made it what it is. About some that I loved with all my heart and never told them..never shared what they really meant to me.The ones who I have told..but have not showed them lately how much they were appreciated..The thought of them never knowing was just so heavy. I loved my life..and what did I do with it? It was a very long week..I had several more tests..and finally they had all the information they needed and I was there to here it. I did not have a tumor..but they were not understanding..because I should have already died. I should not have been sitting there..the morning I had my headache should have been the day I passed from this earth. I had a blood vessel in my brain burst..and it was a pretty bad one. They were not sure if it had completely stopped bleeding..so they had to take a scope up through my leg to see..and if it had not there was a procedure they would do...if it had stopped..I had to do IV therapy to thin out my blood.to make sure it would not reoccur. So they looked..and once again to their surprise.. it was perfectly fine. So..3 times a week after school I went in and had an IV placed. Now..they knew the what..now they needed to know the why..it mostly came down to a use of "Norplant" (type of birth control that is placed under your skin and it effective for 5 years..there has been many problems like this and now has been banned in the US) that gave me the initial problem and my continuing to take oral BC.
Well..I am ok now..it should not be happening again because I have stopped what was agitating it. But..I gotta say..that was one lesson I only need once. Many people may say that they will never take things for granted..and being human nature..they do...But...I WILL NOT..because I will always remember how it felt to not have a chance again..to be with the people I love..do the things I love..and what a gift...The gift to live when I was not supposed to..I have been given the chance my beautiful loved ones who passed from my life did not have.I can be alive...I can breath, see the stars..I can be with people I care about..I can say what I never could say before..do what I was scared to do before. I can have my little girl give me kisses on my nose..Hang with my teens...Yeah..trials will come up..but at least I will have trials.I LOVE LIVING..and I will get things right this time.I can be happy with the life I have even if it not how I want it.I had a major issue with the fact that I have been married and divorced..that was not my dream..that was not who I was supposed to be ..and it really made me feel bad about myself..but now I know that I was to be this way to make me who I am and I am fulled prepared to go and be happy with just my family and friends...and if that does happen..it will be the crowning glory on this amazing life I have.So..if I seem different..that is why...Please learn from me... your life is priceless...

My wish for my kids....

In this day and times....it seems that most people do not start their families until the age I am now.. but me..I had my first baby when I was 21..and at the end of this year, that first baby will be a legal adult.

I do sometimes tease her that it is possible that her and I could be like "Father of the Bride" 2 and be all prego together..but seeing that I may not be in that situation again..I am thinking about her...and how she will be starting her life...

This is my hope for my kids..and thier kids.I pray that my kids get spouses that embrace parenthood..that my kids can share one of the most beautiful things with someone..not hold the brunt of it all while their spouse carries out their own little world.

I pray that if  my daughters have their own babies, that they will have someone by their side that is complete awe of that little pregnant belly..and will want to share that miracle from the day that little line turns pink.

That will love the sound of that heartbeat, and love when that tummy jumps with baby movements. 

I pray that my sons, if they choose this path will be of support to their wives in this..that they would stop at nothing to be holding her hand when that little cry is heard for the first time. 

To hold this brand new life and kiss his wife's forehead and be so grateful for such a blessing.

I pray that they will understand that their child's heart  is so much more important then the mess their kid just made...or the window they broke playing ball. 

I pray that my kid(and their spouse) will remember that kids are kids...not little adults...that the effort their little ones took trying to take out the trash is worth a million times more than them being too little to lift the bag and having trash scattered all over the floor...or not being able to life the milk carton when pouring milk and having it spill EVERYWHERE.

I pray that no matter how tired they are..they can pick up a baseball and throw it a couple times..because someday...that precious opportunity will not be there.

It is my hope that they can look at the world through their child's eyes..and realize what common sense it is that the goldfish wanted to take a bath in the bath tub with bubble bath.

I pray that they will understand how important it is to play in the play area of chick fil a, since all the other kids are there...and not with a grumpy person that says no all the time.

I hope that every dandelion weed that their kids see as the most beautiful flower can be received with love...from the first to the millionth...and that even though blowing a white one and wishing on it...will result in MORE weeds growing...you do not rob them of this special childhood moment.

I hope they will watch with a smile in their heart when you hear 2 little feet sneaking to see if Santa has come...and just let them. 

Enjoy every little dirty foot print as each is connected with someone who thinks you are their hero.

Say yes..more than no. Respect them...to earn their respect.Praise more than scold.

Go into parenthood as if it were the most amazing thing ever..and it will be. 

Buy them those pointless expensive glow sticks when you go to see the firework display...for that will build a memory for them.

Do not see your child crying to you at night because of a nightmare as sleep lost...but an extra moment to snuggle. Seeing you at their little performances and programs builds their self esteem, and they will know you will always be there for them. 

Make them your life...not the annoying thing next to whatever other goal you have....because in the end...that earthly goal is nothing...and the people that surround to celebrate your life..is EVERYTHING.

I will be the first to say how imperfect of a parent I am...but this is how I raised my kids..and I can guarantee if you asked them in private..they would say they are close to me..and we share a special love...

These are the little things I have learned along the way..and I am sure there will be more to add..

Live life.. do not just sit and watch it...be out in the middle of the action...not just observe..

If someday..my kids can feel the joy I feel now..

I know my life was how it was to be...

   

Big 3!!!!

Cannot Believe Trevor is already 3!!!!

He has always been stuck on "Cars" but has recently loving "Toy Story" ALOT!!!

He tried..but did need help blowing out his candle

Nummy whipped cream frosting!!!

No problem opening presents THIS year

Got his "Woody"..just like a scene from the show..he LOVES it!!!!

                                                          Here's to another big step in boyhood!!!!!Happy Birthday Trevor!!!!

Forgotten Treasure

Has anyone listened to teenagers have a conversation lately??Not just a everyday "He thinks your cute" type conversation...but real talking from the heart. It is pretty alarming. In this age of "emo" and cutting yourself just to feel better..is there really many adults paying attention? Many kids live in true darkness...many have lost complete hope for the future....thinking that the world is going to end anyway..so why try. Who has held their new baby softly in their arms and thought that there could be no greater treasure...promise that you will always be there for them...you will never let anything happen to them. But then...something happens...that precious little bundle of happiness suddenly is no longer recognizable...they do not listen..they argue. Sometimes...more and more...this happens sooner than later...and they are left...forgotten...given up on. Maybe they were even born into this mentality. What is happening to our children people??I know that there is other people out there like me that thinks their children are the very breath they breathe..(even the teens) however...we are few. We are seriously looking at our future in the face...and letting it slip away.I am torn up every day...thinking of the ones we have lost. My own daughter went through a rash of many friends succeeding in taking their own life...with one...she was on the phone talking to one friend..while the other found another friend in the bathroom...bloody...and took her last breath in his arms as she repeated "I'm sorry". How I would have loved to just reach out to this angel...I cannot imagine how alone and scared she was.How hard this was on my girl. I know that there are very happy...well adjusted teens out there. But culturally in this area...there are more of the forgotten ones. My kids have had friends over that their parents seriously had no idea where their kids were and what they were doing. I have had kids over that actually seemed to come over because we were more family oriented..and she seemed to enjoy doing chores for me. My heart just breaks when I hear parents complain harshly about their teen.Now I gripe about my girls million shoes everywhere...and my son being way hyper. But things that I have heard is just unimaginable.These kids can be amazing!!! I know also that there are those who have parents that will do everything...and still does not get through. Yes...I know. but at a whole...this is life nowadays. Beautiful, precious, priceless treasures being tossed aside because it is too hard, parents just want to focus on themselves, or just never even wanted to be parents. I know at times I may seem immature...my "twilight" obsession...or that I will stay up playing "Halo" on the x-box.But you know what??? My kid...is at home...with me...and I am communicating. Not on the street, not drinking or doing drugs..but spending time with their mom. Your kid will come to you...asking you to listen to a song...or to see a movie...but in your busy world...they will only hear "Not now" so many times before they stop asking...before they close themselves off to you. Isn't that precious bundle you held so long ago worth 5 minutes of your time now??? Please...love your children. Have a positive attitude about them...if you look at it as wonderful...it is wonderful.Be open...mistakes will be made( But you made it through life with none right??). Never turn your back on them...show them that life is worth living.And that they are still worth your time.Ohhhh no...I am not claiming to be an expert...or that I am right about everything...I just love my kids...and that everyone should grow up in that type of love. Reach out..and claim the treasure before you....before it is too late...Now...my plan is to make this blog a very fun one...but also...I was just want to get out what is in my heart.

Barbed wire and roses

  When "Once upon a time" really was once upon a time

I can remember so clearly being in grade school. So many different teachers would plan some profound lesson on careers and always getting a pep talk on reaching for the stars and becoming great things. They would end their whole little meaningful talk by searching to see what a big change would come over us...what big dreams they had helped us build for the future...they would go around the room and have us reveal what amazing thing we were to be. There were Doctors and lawyers...such amazing aspirations coming from such little kids.Then...just as the teacher would get to me..eyes shining bright with a giant ego...they would ask me. From all the memories I can muster up...only I EVER gave this answer. I wanted to be a wife and mother.The teacher would clear their throat and chuckle..."No dear....if you could just automatically become ANYTHING in the world...what would it be?? Becoming annoyed I would repeat what I had just said. All my life all I ever really wanted was to be married and have kids. And really...as much crap as I would get for the deepest desire of my heart...is that not one of the most important things??Without good mommies..there would not be a need for anything else.I really did not dream much of a handsome prince and a castle...but just a plain old house..kissing husband as he went to work...spending the day teaching my kids and making my house a home. Now...I have had some experiences like this...I lived in this crazy little pink trailer...husband trotted off to work...and I was happy.But for some reason..my life does not have written that I have.."they lived happily ever after". I have come to the point where I just have to face that maybe marriage was only for one chapter in my book. For so long I held on to the dream because I have embedded gifts with relationships...how to make them special...how to keep a spark alive...making sure there is always something new...adding fun. But...unfortunately....this takes 2...and when your other just wants to come home...get in his jammies..and zone out in front of the tv....well...building good things really is not that possible.Now I like TV just as much as anyone...but being closed off...I do not.I want to live life...not just sit idle. The mommy part of my life has and is simply amazing...but there again...can be lonely if your other is not wanting to be part of it. I have had 5 kids...and not once have I seen any of my husbands eyes light up when my tummy jumped with baby kicks...I have seen some dads to be that just could not keep their hands off their wife's giant belly. I have seen my own brother with a new baby..putting him on a pillow and just staring in awe.I have never had someone go in the backyard and teach my kids to throw a baseball. Consistently tuck my kids in bed and read a story. How sad and lonely this is.Yes...you can be all alone and be married.But...my kids...they have saved my life. They make my life worth living...they make me who I am. And if I have to do it all alone...then so be it. Who am I??? I am a single mom. And I love that. If I am surprised someday to find a guy who really can go the distance...bring it on. But I do not want "prince charming" ..I want someone who can get right on there...roll up his sleeves...wipe the sweat from his brow and work side by side. Bring laughter in my home instead of yelling. Let my kids be kids.And when the day is done...hold my hand and know that we accomplished it all TOGETHER. Is there such a man??? Yes. Is there such a man for me? I am not sure.But right now....there are 5 of the most incredible people looking to ME. I take my mommyhood seriously...the greatest honor you can bestow upon me.I will not dwell on once upon a time...my life is now!!!!

THe Great Candy Cane Heist

It was the greatest mastermind operation in history. Strategically planned and carried out by that dastardly villain Trevor "the Trevanator" Shepherd and his loyal side kick Trinny Grace aka "cutie pie". Their poorl mother never saw it coming. There it sat..that beautiful delicious cane of candy glistening atop the Christmas tree. Ever so smartly placed (at least she thought) by a Ms. Molly Malone...how could 2 such little ones reach that?? One can never assume such a thing again.The fateful night was the eve before Christmas eve. The temptation had just gotten to great..they just HAD to sink their greedy little teeth into the oozy peppermint goodness.The mom was walking the hall..preparing to place the children in bed for the night..when suddenly...there they were...two adorable baby blue eyes flashed in front of her....the "precious" little piggy tailed teddy bear toting girl toddled into her heart by holding up her favorite froggy book and said "blafilah" which the mom knew in baby language as "read me a book" Unable to ever resist such a request...the mom swept up her little angel and sat down. Unlike any other time..the little girl got up..took her mom by the hand..and led her into the bedroom unseen by the living room..and.... the Christmas tree. With his mom being distracted...the evil little boy was free to perform the unspeakable..the grand theft of the candy cane!!!It appeared that the mom had underestimated just how tall the almost 3 year old had become..and with just a boost of height provided by standing on top of a baby wipe container..and with the assistance of the boys stiff cowboy hat...that candy cane had very easily been knocked out of the tree. (this had later been proven when a second attempt had been made)Then..just as quickly as the little girl had come upon her mother...she got up and ran down the hall.With the freedom that the mom now had..she made sure her little "sweethearts" were safe...and started organizing clothes. After the course of a whole FIVE minutes..the mom realized the children were not in the living room...and there was an eerie silence...no laughter..no stomping of feet...no songs or the sound of toys...nothing...except a very faint crackling of plastic. Being suspicious..the mom set out on a quest to discover what may be happening. As she turned the corner..she was faced with the horrid truth..their they sat..side by side..with the biggest grinchy mischievous smiles..with long tinges of red streaming down both side of their mouth..were her two youngest.."innocent" little angels. As the mom put her hand on her hip...their evil chuckling stung into the night. Yep..they had gotten the best of the mom who thought she had seen everything..and that she could outwit them all..she had proven to be very wrong.It will be a sight that she will NEVER forget..and a Christmas that will forever be remembered. I will make sure to put the candy canes higher in the future. Merry Christmas to all my cherished family and friends..and to those who have kids...WATCH them little boogers like a hawk...and never think that they cannot do something!!!