I can remember so clearly being in grade school. So many different teachers would plan some profound lesson on careers and always getting a pep talk on reaching for the stars and becoming great things. They would end their whole little meaningful talk by searching to see what a big change would come over us...what big dreams they had helped us build for the future...they would go around the room and have us reveal what amazing thing we were to be. There were Doctors and lawyers...such amazing aspirations coming from such little kids.Then...just as the teacher would get to me..eyes shining bright with a giant ego...they would ask me. From all the memories I can muster up...only I EVER gave this answer. I wanted to be a wife and mother.The teacher would clear their throat and chuckle..."No dear....if you could just automatically become ANYTHING in the world...what would it be?? Becoming annoyed I would repeat what I had just said. All my life all I ever really wanted was to be married and have kids. And really...as much crap as I would get for the deepest desire of my heart...is that not one of the most important things??Without good mommies..there would not be a need for anything else.I really did not dream much of a handsome prince and a castle...but just a plain old house..kissing husband as he went to work...spending the day teaching my kids and making my house a home. Now...I have had some experiences like this...I lived in this crazy little pink trailer...husband trotted off to work...and I was happy.But for some reason..my life does not have written that I have.."they lived happily ever after". I have come to the point where I just have to face that maybe marriage was only for one chapter in my book. For so long I held on to the dream because I have embedded gifts with relationships...how to make them special...how to keep a spark alive...making sure there is always something new...adding fun. But...unfortunately....this takes 2...and when your other just wants to come home...get in his jammies..and zone out in front of the tv....well...building good things really is not that possible.Now I like TV just as much as anyone...but being closed off...I do not.I want to live life...not just sit idle. The mommy part of my life has and is simply amazing...but there again...can be lonely if your other is not wanting to be part of it. I have had 5 kids...and not once have I seen any of my husbands eyes light up when my tummy jumped with baby kicks...I have seen some dads to be that just could not keep their hands off their wife's giant belly. I have seen my own brother with a new baby..putting him on a pillow and just staring in awe.I have never had someone go in the backyard and teach my kids to throw a baseball. Consistently tuck my kids in bed and read a story. How sad and lonely this is.Yes...you can be all alone and be married.But...my kids...they have saved my life. They make my life worth living...they make me who I am. And if I have to do it all alone...then so be it. Who am I??? I am a single mom. And I love that. If I am surprised someday to find a guy who really can go the distance...bring it on. But I do not want "prince charming" ..I want someone who can get right on there...roll up his sleeves...wipe the sweat from his brow and work side by side. Bring laughter in my home instead of yelling. Let my kids be kids.And when the day is done...hold my hand and know that we accomplished it all TOGETHER. Is there such a man??? Yes. Is there such a man for me? I am not sure.But right now....there are 5 of the most incredible people looking to ME. I take my mommyhood seriously...the greatest honor you can bestow upon me.I will not dwell on once upon a time...my life is now!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment